So What's This Aboot the Economy Being in the Shitter or Something?

A while back I hinted that I may have some news soon. I'm sure that the interwebs was simply abuzz with people desperately trying to figure out what the news might be. The speculation, ranging from a) "Does he have a vagina?" to b) "Oh god, he didn't get The Wiff pregnant did he? Oh lord help us all if that's the case" to c) "Meh, don't care...wonder if my cousins have posted anymore stuff about the weather on Facebook yet.." (answers: a) practically. b) nope. see "a)". c) yes, of course they have. And they also wrote "LOL" a hundred times too. You share DNA with these people...good for you), was so overwhelming and quite frankly, embarrassing that I had to go into hiding for a little while. It's the life I chose. The life of the author of an amazingly popular blog. I'm talking upwards of six to seven honest-to-goodness hits per week. The numbers don't lie people. Plus, I get at least one person a month from Germany. Granted, they're actually searching for weirdo German porn when they type "Flunky Boy" into the search engine but that's not the point! They come to my site and sometimes don't immediately leave. Top that!

So then, what IS the news? Oh that. Yea, I got myself a new job. That's all. I hadn't really been looking for a job either. I have a decent gig at my current place and I'm so totally lazy that I'd prolly have stayed there for, well, forever but this opportunity presented itself so I checked it out. A guy I worked with at my current job had left to go work for this other company about a year ago and I had stayed in touch with him. He mentioned this position opening up back in what? like March or something of this year. I talked to the hiring manager on a phone interview and when he mentioned the position called for having some people report to me I kinda balked. Look, I've only been in this industry for a little over 5 years now and I don't think that I'm qualified to be someone's manager. Managers need to be able to help mentor and develop the people in their ...HA! oh god, I couldn't get through the whole sentence. I tried...I really did. But seriously...it's true. Plus, I've been a manager-dude before and I didn't particularly like it. I liked the private office part but not so much the solving other people's problems.

So the guy was kinda like "Oh, well...hmmm." and I figured I had just blown the interview right then and there. But I didn't want to be dishonest either. So we chatted some more about my experience and yada yada and said our good-byes. "Damn, damn, damn" I thought. "Stupid mouth! Why don't you say the things that I need you to say?" My mouth had no response. Typical. It'll prolly think of some awesome comeback in the car ride home. Then I hear through the grapevine that the company had gone on not quite a hiring freeze but a cooling period. Ok fine. So, I won't be moving on just yet. S'ok. I gots a job and I can pay for stuff. No biggie.

But it was a biggie. See, I liked the hiring manager guy I had talked to on the phone. The company sounded like they were doing some cool stuff and against my better judgement (at the time) I had become invested. Nothing happened for months and then my buddy IM'd me ("takeiteasytony" on AOL IM, people...look me up!) and told me to check the email that I had listed on my resume. The company's recruiter had been trying to get in touch with me. Hee. I hadn't looked in a while since I didn't think that they were interested. I responded to the email and the interviews got set up.

The interview day came and it was one of those gauntlet type deals where I had to meet with 7–8 people from different departments. Overall I'd say it went well. I was wicked charming. And as it turns out, I kinda knew what I was talking about. Nice.

And then....nothing. For like longer than I felt comfortable with I didn't hear a peep from anyone attached to the hiring. This of course makes me go right to the worst-case scenario. Was it something I said? Didn't say? Didn't do? Crap. Then, finally a phone call from the recruiter dude saying that things went well at the interview and now the head of the department wanted to meet with me. Ok. No problem. "He would like to set up a breakfast meeting at a local hotel. How's 7:30 am on Friday?" Fuck me. Really? Ok. Breakfast at a hotel at 7 goddamn 30 on a FRIDAY. I'll be there.

I make my way to the hotel restaurant and meet up with the dept. head. We sit down at a table and the waiter brings us the menus. Now here's the thing. I had already eaten breakfast because I didn't want to be frickin' STARVING when I got there and then scarf down my meal while this guy tries to get a word in. "Can't talk. Eating." Yea, didn't want that. So I was not at all hungry. This menu was evil too. It had either really fou-fou stuff or straight-off-the-farm fare. There was no middle ground that I could find. Can a brother get a bagel? Nope. It's either a delicate fruit cup placed elegantly in a crystal bowl on a doily or 15 eggs served over a bacon stuffed pig with hash browns. Choose wisely.

Honestly, all I wanted was the damn fruit cup. Maybe a cup of coffee too. Now, I don't know this guy from a hole in the wall so I don't know what kinda guy he is. Is he the super-macho kind who would disapprove of guy ordering the fruit cup? Would that be a deal breaker for this guy? Would he even give a shit? I dunno. Am I over-thinking this? Shouldn't I just get what I want and be done with it? Why am I obsessing over what this guy would think about my breakfast choice? I'm not even hungry for fuck's sake. I'll just order the fruit cup and own the consequences if there are any. Who's this guy anyway? Why is he judging my food choices? What's wrong with a man ordering from the fou-fou side of the menu? Plus, it's by far the cheapest thing on here. Who pays $10.50 for eggs? Assholes, that's who. I'll be showing him that I'm fiscally responsible by getting the fruit cup. I'm getting the fruit dammit. That's FINAL.

"Mark, why don't you order first?" he said as the waiter turned to me. "Really? Ok... I'll have the giant plate of eggs and pork please." Of course I will. And what did he order you ask? Yes. The fruit cup. Well Mother Fuck.

But all that doesn't seem to matter after all. On Friday July 3rd I got the offer letter in the mail and signed that bad boy right away. I gave notice at my current gig this past Monday and this upcoming week will be my final week there. I have nothing but good things to say about my old job. They gave me a shot 5 years ago and I've learned quite a bit since I've been there. I had completely changed careers when I came there and I'm grateful for the opportunities they gave me. I know all that sounds corny but it's the truth.

Wish me luck. This is going to be interesting.