Thursday, April 18, 2013

Financial Tips from a Moron

Don't you hate it when something you enjoy like a blog or podcast or whatever goes away for an extended period of time and there's like zero information for the reason? And then suddenly (hopefully) it comes back but they never address the absence? Yea, me too.

In 2011 I finally joined the Cult of Jobs and traded in my caveman phone for the ever-lovin' Jesus phone. Naturally I insisted throughout the entire reign of the iPhone 3 that there was literally no reason to have such a thing in my life as I am simple folk and do not require such fancy-pants tech-no-logy in m' jeans. The Wiff, being smarter than I, realized that when the contract on our old-timey phones ended that she'd simply TELL me that we're getting the (then) new iPhone 4S and that's frickin' final. No arguments will be heard (she'd already had dipped into the smahhht phone pool briefly with a crappy older Droid-based phone so she already knew that I'd lub lub lub it).

It is now a couple years later and yes, I do indeed lub my phone. I have actually used it as a phone too. No, like, for reals. I have a reasonable amount of applications loaded and it has almost (almost) completely replaced my ancient iPod as my go-to device for my tunes. I listen to a lot of podcasts and holy shit there's an app for that too. Do I want an app that lets me change the channel on my TV even though the remote is literally sitting in my lap? Sure, let's download that. I have practical things, silly things, necessary things, and games. Angry Birds? Yes of course. Fruit Ninja? Don't mind if I do. Words With Friends? I can cram the word "Qi" and "Xu" onto a fake Scrabble board with the best of them. Various oddball Solitaire incarnations? Why, certainly. Bubble Mania? Ok, but...I'm gonna lose interest quickly. And then there's Candy Crush.

This motherfucking game. Can we talk about this? I mean, can we TALK about this game? It is simply the most infuriating little shitbox of a game I have ever come across. And for a brief but intense moment of time, it took over my stupid life. If you have never played it and you have any trace of an addictive personality, you should avoid this game. No joke. Stay the fuck away. Buzzfeed even posted an article about Candy Crush (I just noticed this when I spaced out halfway through that last paragraph and wandered off to other corners of the interwebs. This is how I work. Do not mock me or my process). Candy Crush will tempt you with its simple game-play and dazzle you with the allure of unplayed levels. Levels that it will dangle in front of your bloodshot eyes. But you cannot get to these levels under a normal game situation. No. You need boosters or extra moves or power-ups. And these cost real-life money. Cash, people. This game that you have allowed onto your sacred Jesus phone based on the promise that it's just a little harmless fun and plus hey you guys! you can totally download it for free, is now, like a heroin dealer, letting you know that yes, the taste was free but if you want that sweet, sweet juice, you gotta pay up.

And I did. A lot. I'm not going to tell you how much because if I did, you'd punch me in the dick.

Look, what I'm telling you, all of you, is that I have a problem. My name is Mark and I'm a Candy Crush addict. I'm also 43 goddamn years old. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? I should be walking up and down my street with one of those sandwich boards proclaiming that I spent actual real-life money so that I could use my dumb finger to line up matching colored virtual candies in a row in order to remove all the jelly squares. Did you read that sentence? This HAPPENED. It's a real thing that I did. And not just once or twice. Oh no, if I had agreed to pay the 99 cents to get a few extra moves or to fill my "lives" back up to five rather than waiting until they refill themselves for free (that's right...they'd just refill for free if I could just fucking wait a little while) just a couple times this would not be an issue. It still wouldn't be smart, but I could hold my head up in public. But it is an issue. No joke.

So, yeah. How are you doing?