Thursday, September 30, 2010


Lately I have been spending way too much time telling the Yahoo Mail spam filter that yes, these 25 emails that have landed in my inbox are in fact spam. I know that there are people out there who's sole purpose in this life is to make my online experience as miserable as possible but I have lead a mostly spam-free life these last few years. Until recently. Since Gmail came out I have used that as my main point of contact for all things official; from the main blog contact to incidental work-related correspondence. My Yahoo account, which I have had since I think 1997 or so has been relegated to the "Oh, this place needs an email address to complete my order" email. Vendors from Zappos to Amazon to Northern Tool know to contact me at the Yahoo address. And I do still use it for those rare occasions when I think to open my ancient Yahoo IM app. (although now that they have copied Google and integrated IM into the mailbox area of Yahoo, I seriously doubt I'll ever download and open the actual IM application ever again).

Somewhere along the line some nefarious online merchant has sold my address to some rather seedy organizations. At first the spam filter was on top of its game. It scooped up the bulk of the over-the-top and the blatantly obvious ones and ushered them into the spam folder with very little fanfare. I never saw them. Of course some slipped by but I didn't mind checking the little box and then marking them as spam. I would get a little note from SpamGuard saying thanks for helping it perform better. What was implied was that SpamGuard was so sorry and, frankly embarrassed that it had let me down by allowing this terrible blight stink up my email inbox with its potentially offensive content. I would smile graciously and say to no one in particular, "Hey SpamGuard, don't sweat it. I'm a laid-back kinda guy and I'm just happy knowing that you are trying your hardest to not let this happen again. It won't happen again correct? Do we understand each other here? I think we do. I expect more from my free services." But it did happen again. And again. Lately, it's been happening several times a day in fact.

Let's take a quick peek at what the filter has been letting through lately shall we? Here are a few gems in no particular order (these are quoted directly from the subject line in my Yahoo email account):
  • Plump Breasty Best Lucky Mad Belly Mama So (I kinda like that's sorta sing-songy and fun)
  • Nailed Stuffing Small Hunks Haily Foot Bent Puffy Skinny Covered ("small hunks"? ewww)
  • Finger Sits Stuffed Alluring Orgy Amazing Rod Stunning Twinks Wants Dark-Haired (yea, I didn't know what "twinks" meant. I don't suggest googling me. I have seen things that I cannot un-see)
And now for my favorite:
  •  Mark Omalley thighs enjoying four jem jeweled swallowing juice stuffed taste banana tanned plugged look seduced classic showing
Wait....what? You know what annoyed me the most from that last one? The fact that they misspelled my last name. I hate it when computers don't allow apostrophes as a recognized character because what happens is the M in my last name doesn't get capitalized and the whole pronunciation becomes garbled. It's actually a quick way to scan the junk mail I get at home. If my name is spelled "Omalley" then I know I don't have to open it (usually The Wiff filters the junk mail before I even see it by the way. I'm totally spoiled).

I have no idea why this sudden influx of spam messages has been able to route its way around whatever algorithm Yahoo uses but goddammit those mother-truckin' Russian and/or Chinese spam robots are relentless. I'm getting on average 6-8 messages per day that make it to my inbox past the filter (even more on the weekends for some reason). This is in addition to the (holy shit) 463 messages that the filter caught and prevented. Who sold me out to the crazies? Was it you Timbuk2? How about you Best Buy? Somebody did it and I want revenge. I also want to know what a "stuffed taste banana" is.