Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Egregious Abuse of B-Boys

Back when MTV showed videos (no, don't worry, I'm not going to go on and on about that. Because honestly, most of the videos they played sucked anyway), a lot of the videos had awkward dance sequences. Usually this scene was not only unnecessary but sometimes was so contrived and forced that it made the viewer feel uneasy (i.e. Pat Benatar in "Love is a Battlefield". Skip to 3:21 and thank me later).

In the mid-80s someone thought not only would be a great idea to shoehorn a dance number into their video, but it might be superawesomesauce to have hip hop dancers (B-Boys, people...B-Boys) embarrass themselves as well. Mira, if you're going to have people dancing to your shitty song it might as well be a bunch of guys who actually know how to move (rather than the weirdo chorus line of people doing the same hackneyed "dance" all together). I get that. But what I don't get is why oh why are they being forced to dance to these songs?  Check it:

I like this song. Actually I like this song a lot (I'm a sucker for Robert Plant), but skip ahead to 3:58 for a hyper-embarrassing moment in 80s video history. WTF? Who ok'd this? Plus, you can't even do the "White Guy Dance" (a.k.a. Whatever the hell Springsteen is doing in the "Dancing in the Dark" video. Stop that Bruce. Stop it this INSTANT! Don't you bring Courtney up on that fake stage with you! FOR SHAME! BAD BRUCE! BAD!) to this tune let alone break-dance.

The abuse continues:

No one likes this song. Not even Billy. Give me anything off of Glass Houses rather than this horror show. But more importantly, why would ANYONE think it would be a good idea to have someone popping and locking to fucking Uptown Girl? El Diablo himself wouldn't even attempt it. Skip to 2:18 to see what I mean. And yes, I recommend having the sound on just so you can get the full effect of this bad decision.

Were the 80s finally done humiliating the hip hop community? Oh no sir, they were not done.

Wow. First off, please spend a couple of minutes bathing in smug entitlement of 16-year-old Tiffany (you should probably turn the sound down's pretty terrible). In nearly every shot she is giving the camera the same "come hither" look. Or what she probably thought was her sexy bedroom eyes look at any rate. It really just looks like she has to take a dump real bad. But for this example I think it's the worst offender because here she clearly just inserts herself in what was probably just some dudes practicing or even doing a street (beach? boardwalk?) performance for some cash. Go to 2:24 and try not to be mesmerized by her shuffling feet dance move. I'll tell ya, that girl is going places.

The abuse of the B-Boys was not limited to these 3 videos of course. But I have another example here that while the dancers are not popping and locking or whatever, they are still totally fucking tossed into the middle of a video for no reason and the song is simply NOT a song anyone would want to dance to. Plus, they can't even seem to get their moves synchronized and that's just sloppy. Go to 2:01 in this vid. For realsies:

What. The. Fuck. God, I so want to punch that guy with the curly mullet in the face over and over again. I would say that the taller dancer dude is better but I think what's actually happening here is the shorter guy realized that no one actually gives a fat fuck about how this looks so he just phoned it in. That's how I chose to view it anyway.

And now, just cuz I loves you all sooooooo much, I present to you Cowboy Hip Hop. You're welcome.

Say it with me now: "That's Jammin'!!"

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Fake Elvis Wanted Too Much Money

Guess what today is? Well, yes, it is Thursday. Yes, it may be your birthday or whatever. Look, I don't care about you and your feelings ok? Today is my wedding anniversary. Yep. The Wiff and I have been married for 14 years as of today. 'Course we've actually been "together" for over 18 years but that date is harder to narrow down. Do you count from the day when we first met? Do you count from the day when we started hanging out? Do you count from the day that we moved in together? Who frickin' knows? So the wedding anniversary is just an easier date to acknowledge.

"Why, dear Mark", you ask quite boldly and slightly rudely. "Why is your anniversary on November 3rd of all dates?" Are you a crazy person or perhaps thick? Our anniversary is on November 3rd because we got engaged on Halloween night, at Logan airport, more specifically in the "Cheers" bar in the airport, with Silence of the Lambs playing on the TV behind Amy's head, while we were on our way to vacation in Vegas. We then got married 3 days later which would make that day what? November 3rd, that's what. I TOLD you I was classy. Side note: I hated Vegas a lot. Like, a WHOLE lot. It was just a shithole. We did go see George Carlin perform at the MGM Grand though. That was pretty cool. And I got my first speeding ticket on this trip. That wasn't as cool.

Getting married in Vegas was our best option because it allowed us to avoid the whole wedding planning nonsense. The whole she-bang from the flights to Vegas, a week in the time-share condo the company I worked for owned, rental car, wedding silliness, day trips to Death Valley, the Grand Canyon and Zion National Park cost us under $4000. Yep. Them's 1997 dollars too. Totally the way to go. We then were able to save up enough cash to put a down payment on our house (which we still live in). No, we didn't get the "Elvis" package. Motherfucker wanted an extra $300 just to walk Amy down the aisle. And he may have been a hero to most, but he never meant shit to me.

So, yea. This whole thing is has other stories that splinter off from the main theme but I'm too lazy to get into those right now. Plus, I wanted to keep this light. After all, this is about me and The Wiff. See, I like love her and stuff and I'm proud to be her hubby. She's kinda awesome. So there.