Hey! You know what sucks? The Flu. Yep. It totally does. Since last Thursday I've been sort of ignoring the fact that it had become increasingly difficult to breathe and when I did breathe it sounded like I was sucking a milkshake through a broken straw. Meh. I'm a dude. I can walk this off, right? Just like I did with that pesky gall bladder all those years ago. No problem.
Cut to this past weekend where I spent most of my time whimpering and complaining in my living room while I watched bad TV. Meh. I'm a dude...eventually I'll beat this, right? I certainly will be strong enough to go to work on Monday. Um, in a word: no.
Sunday night I slept maybe 3 hours getting up frequently to allow the coughing fits to shake my entire body. I had the cough where you end up light-headed afterward. So not cool. But I got up at my usual time (5 goddamn 30) with the intention of going to work. I felt like I might split in half if I coughed again. My sides actually hurt from coughing (diaphram I assume?). So I called in sick. Well, technically I emailed in sick that doesn't have the same ring to it.
What's really the bestest thing about this type of flu is that you really can't sleep all that well. But of course that's all you want to do is sleep. I went downstairs and sat in my chair and tried to watch daytime TV. I failed. I passed the hell out sitting upright in my chair with a cat in my lap. I awoke 2 hours later when my lungs had filled with some lovely, greenish, viscous fluid. Commence horking. So frickin' nasty. The cat abandoned me.
Monday night I kinda felt ok so it must be because I'm a dude and I've now whipped those mean ol' microbes and I'm back in control right? Nope. That night was another winner. Tuesday morning saw me right back at the computer emailing in sick (see? doesn't sound right). By the end of Tuesday I felt somewhat better and my lungs were allowing me to occasionally breathe in deeply. I say occasionally because when I tried to show off to The Wiff just how he-man strong my respiratory system was I was reduced to leaning on the wall and coughing for 5 minutes. Awesome.
But, this morning I am back to work (hooray?) and feeling better. I still sound like ass but I can function. I have to forgo my usual coffee ritual and replace it with water. If I have coffee in combination with the fake NyQuil I'm on I'll be so frickin' high that I'll start to hallucinate.
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