Open Letter to Everyone Else on the Road

Hi it's me, Mark. Yea, I'm either the guy right behind you or the guy right in front of you. If you're the person in front of me, please get outta my way. If you're the person behind me, get offa my ass you clown. And thus I sum up my driving style. I used to drive really fast and aggressively, especially when I had that dumb job where I had to go to 4-5 different appointments everyday. Now-a-days I don't drive as fast or as aggressively but I'm still a jackass from Boston so, you know how much weight you can put behind that statement.

Most of the time when I'm on the road now I don't really have to be in a rush to get where I'm going. Usually I'm going either to work or back home so I don't have to be at either place at a specific time (for the most part). However, I do have to work a clutch, so I'm all about efficiency. I don't want to have slow down and I abhor stopping. Let's just keep this shit moving people.

Look, I understand that you have to get to wherever it is you people go but seriously? Just get you and your vehicle out of my way. Oh, and all you people who are retired? Yea, you are banned from the roads during my commute. You will only be allowed to drive your Buick LeSabres from 11am until 2:30pm. I'll give you until 3pm if you promise that you'll stay home on the weekends. I have noticed in my daily commute a few things that I think will help all of you to get out of my way faster:

1. When the light turns green, that means it's time for you to go. Preferably immediately. There's no reason to look in your rear view mirror at me to see what I'm doing. I can tell you if you want to know: I'm waiting for you to go. Simple as that. See, if you don't go, then I can't go and then in turn jackass behind me will also not be able to go (which may make him lean on his horn and irritate me). 
2. If you happen to think it would be a good idea to cut in front of me (the Jetta gets zero respect) I ask only that you do so quickly. I don't condone your action (and I'm probably calling you an asshole and/or making gestures), but if you do it swiftly and do not impede my own forward progress; then I'll get over it quicker than if you were to poke along and make me downshift.
3. And while if you are behind me you are technically not in my way, you can distract me and get on my nerves. I don't drive fast anymore (it's the cheap Mic in me...I'm no hyper-miler but I am trying to squeeze as much out of a tank as I can get) so if you come flying up behind me and start tailgating me, that's going to cause me to go slower. I won't slam on the brakes (anymore) but I might make it my goal in life to make your commute that much shittier. I will at the very least downshift and then floor the accelerator thus dumping a big cloud of diesel smoke in your face.
   
4. If you are a pedestrian and you want to cross the street, please understand that I don't want to stop for you. This is mainly for those people in and around M.I.T. They don't even bother to look most of the time. They just saunter across not even thinking that someone in a car might not be paying attention at that very moment and will take their sorry asses out. I'm not that guy but I do have a green light here so stay on the sidewalk for a couple of seconds while I zip on by.

We also need to talk about parking garages and how to get out of my way in there as well. If you enter a garage and you happen to notice that I'm behind you (just look for the giant head filling up your rear view mirror), the best thing for you to do is to park as quickly as possible. This does not mean to grab the first spot you see if said spot will require you to enter in at an awkward angle thus impeding my getting around you. I know that most of you love getting the spots as close to the exit of the garage as possible (to the point of trying to cram their cars into spaces that should be ignored as being too difficult to maneuver in and out of. Just this morning I was treated to some lady in front of me who just HAD to get her giant SUV into this spot that was clearly too small. She turned in at a stupid angle, realized too late that she couldn't make it and then backed up without looking and nearly rammed into me. Look lady, it is now obvious to me that you cannot drive and that you are not even aware of the dimensions of your own vehicle. You simply do not have the skill set necessary to drive that behemoth.You are now banned from being on the road at the same time as me. No arguments. Move it along. There are plenty of spaces on the next level) but if you could just park you goddamn car a few spaces further along I guarantee that you'll be out of my way quicker. And isn't that what everyone really strives to accomplish? Yes, of course it is.

I tend to give people names while I'm driving. Apart from the obvious ones (Fucking asshole, Asshole, Motherfucking asshole, Motherfucker, etc.), I tend to call people "Billy" a lot, as in: "C'mon Billy, let's go". I also use "Joey" or "Jimmy", such as: "Jimmy, it's the pedal on the right.." The name assigned to the person doesn't take into consideration if the driver is female or male. I am not that interested in the gender of the person. I just want them to move. The name will usually be assigned if said driver has done something that I have determined to be detrimental to my getting to where I want to go.

Offenses include but are not limited to:

• Looking for something on the floor of your car when I'm behind you at a stop light. Look for it later and pay attention to the goddamn traffic light. When it turns green, I'm going to require you to move yer ass.
• "Look talking". I define this as someone who has to look over at their passenger when they are talking to them. I'm behind this person and I cannot help but notice that their head is swiveling back and forth from looking at the road and then their passenger. This will annoy me to no end. Cut it out. It's perfectly acceptable in this situation to keep your goddamn eyes on the road in front of you and still be able to carry on a conversation with the person seated RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Eye contact at 50mph is not necessary. I'm sure Ms. Manners would agree.
• Dealing with whatever your children are doing in the backseat. If the little shits cannot behave while you are driving, then leave them at home. Ok, so that may not be practical but perhaps you could at the very least, pull over and let me pass you. And if you could allow one or more cars to pass you so that I have a little bit of a buffer between you and whatever vehicle you will eventually plow into that would be fantastic.
• Really loud music rattling my fillings. Mira, I get it. You REALLY like this song, more than you probably should I'm guessing. But I'm trying to listen to my own stuff in here you see and I don't like how your jam is making my rear view mirror vibrate. Turn it down Joey.
• Merging. There are a few places in my commute where two or more lanes have to merge together into one lane. I'm guessing that most of the people that are on these roads at the same time I am have gone this way before and therefore know that this merge is coming. So what do they do? Yep. They all jam themselves up at the entrance trying to get that one car length ahead of the next retard. "No way you're getting ahead ME, pal!!" Listen Billy, just think of this as a big zipper ok? We all need to get into this fucking tunnel at some point so if you imagine that your car and all the other cars around you are teeth on a giant zipper then we can get where we want to go a little quicker. If you continue to be a dick and try to force the other guy (who's also a dick by the way) to get behind you then the zipper thing goes out the window and we end up with a clusterfuck. No one likes a clusterfuck Billy, so fucking chill out on the testosterone and let the mini van go. Jeez.
• Line cutters. No one likes a line cutter. You can trace this all the way back to elementary school. "Hey, no cutsies!!" I will admit that I have on occasion been one of those guys who bomb up the opposite lane of traffic and then cut in at the last minute to take the off-ramp or exit or whatever that everyone else is queuing up for but see, it's ok when I do it. It's NOT ok when others do it. Plus, it's bad driving karma anyway and you'll end up pissing off some lunatic one day who will take out all his frustrations on you. No one wants that, so to the back of the line there Jimmy.
  

To sum up: the take-home message is that getting out of my way is critical. I know that you all will be trying your best to move your sorry asses and make my commute much more pleasant. I only live 15 miles or so away from where I work and it can on occasion take an hour. This is unacceptable. I'm going to need all of you to work together to make my driving experience more palatable. If this means that more of you will have to take public transportation and/or ride a bike then that's a sacrifice that I'm willing to let you make. Just make sure that if you're on a bike that you don't do that thing where you wear spandex racing gear. You're not Lance Armstrong ok Billy? Move it along people.