A Night on the Town With Yours Truly

The Wiff and I went to see Louis CK last night and had a blast. Let's back up a bit here and be honest with each other ok? Ok. The show was really fun and I was really glad that I got to see Louis perform (he was on for close to 2 hours with the encore and then signed stuff in the lobby after the show) and the opener Ted Alexandro was also very funny (I didn't realize there was going to be an opening act and I'm glad that it was Ted) but I think that I shouldn't be allowed to go out anymore. Lemme 'splain.

The show was at The Orpheum and if you taller than say, 5 foot 9, you are going to be uncomfortable in your seat at this lovely venue (which Louis called "a dump" last night. He isn't wrong. The person running the spotlight seemed not to understand the concept and when Louis would move about the stage the spotlight sometimes just stayed put. In one awkward showdown Louis stepped over to his left slightly and the spotlight didn't budge. He stood there continuing his thought for a bit and then realizing that the person behind the spotlight had passed out or been kidnapped or something and wasn't going to follow him, he stepped back into the light. Nice job Orpheum. Also every now and then some confetti [I think it was confetti, it could have been paint chips for all I know] would drift down lazily from the light rig above Louis head. I don't know how he didn't point it out unless he just didn't notice them. But they fell periodically throughout the show. Not as egregious certainly but it did distract). I'm 6 foot 2-ish and um..fat. So, I was pretty uncomfortable in my seat from the get-go. I had a great seat as far as being able to see the stage but come on Orpheum, where the fuck am I supposed to put my legs? I ended up cramming myself into the seat (and honestly the issue was being too tall not too fat ... shut up, it was) and made myself as comfortable as possible. I put the sleeve of my jacket between my left knee and the seat directly in front of me to hopefully act as a buffer of some sort and settled in for an evening of ignoring the discomfort. But then she sat down.

I know what you're thinking (actually I don't. I have no idea if anyone reads this let alone what that random person could be thinking. Let's face it, even if I knew that you, whoever you are were reading this right now and I was staring intently at your face [you have a little somethin'-somethin' on your cheek there...no, other side] I still wouldn't have an idea of what, if anything you were thinking): "Oh no! A big woman sat down and crushed Mark's widdle knee! Oh what an outpouring of sympathy I have for him in my very soul!" Nope, it was a little, tiny chick. But this little woman devastated my knee repeatedly but leaning forward in her chair and then SLAMMING herself backwards at a high rate of speed EVERY time she laughed. Intellectually I know that she did not purposely set out to unload several tons of crushing force onto my poor patella (look it up bitches) but I grew to hate this girl.

She seemed oblivious to my every attempt at making her as uncomfortable as possible by jamming my hand between my knee and her chair (not recommended by the way. Did you know you have pain receptors in your hands too? FACT). I would occasionally bonk my right knee into her chair to sort of disrupt her evening. She became the focus of my hate and fury. I began to wish that horrible things would happen to her and her family and people that she worked with at the Quiznos or whatever. My hate spilled over onto her boyfriend sitting next to her who was NOT slamming himself into his chair. Why couldn't you sit where she is sitting you asshole? Can't you control this little trollop? She's making a guy you don't know and will never see again uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I'm missing the show and distracting the Wiff as well. I guess I could have asked her to cut the fucking shit with the over-enthusiastic whole-body guffaws before I was rendered crippled but it was then that I realized that she's just enjoying herself and isn't that what we're all here to do? I stuffed the other sleeve of my jacket between my knee and her chair and got over myself. A proud moment of maturity you could say.

So what did I learn? I learned that I am probably going to continue to really hate being in crowds but unless I want to become a complete recluse (a single recluse too I might add since I doubt the Wiff would put up with that for too long), I'm going to have to suck it up and stop being such a whiny bitch.