Up Yours, Brontë

I like to read. I'm a reader. I'm not a voracious reader but I'd say I'm good for about 10-15 books a year on average. I have the precarious booky-Jenga thing teetering on my nightstand threatening to topple over and take out a cat or two, but there are books that I'll start that I just can't get through. Most recently it was a double zinger of Brett Easton Ellis books Glamorama and American Psycho.

Both books had been recommended to me by peeps. I'd heard things about the books and the movie with Batman of course (quick aside: I think we as a people should adopt the Canadian pronunciation of "about". Saying "aboot" is just waaay more fun. I often will say "aboot" in my lil' noggin when I come across "about". Just an FYI), but goddamn if I didn't loathe the writing. I stumbled through several chapters of American Psycho before realizing that I fucking hated this book. And then, since I'm not that bright, I immediately picked up my copy of Glamorama and within the first couple of chapters tossed it aside (luckily not hitting the now listing stack of books on the nightstand). This got me thinking about ("aboot" heh. admit it, you read it like that too! it's fun!) other books that I've started to read and could not for whatever reason finish.

So in no particular order, here they be:

Daphne du Maurier - Rebecca. This was an assigned book for me in high school (gee, thanks Mrs. Lyle!). I found this to be so painfully dull that I never got past the first chapter. Thank jeebus-christmas himself for Cliff Notes. Kids today with the interwebs and their wiki nonsense. They have no idea what it was like to cobble together a report on a book you had no intention of reading back then. It took mad skills dammit! Plus, I had to walk to school uphill, both ways.

Emily Brontë - Wuthering Heights. Another one assigned to me by Mrs. Lyle. Luckily I liked her as a teacher or I'd be writing some really witty personal attack on her right this very moment. I actually tried my damnest to read this convoluted shitbag of a novel. I concluded that I didn't give the faintest fuck about (hee!) Heathcliff or Catherine. Not even Kate Bush could get me to muster any sympathy.

Jane Austin - Pride and Prejudice. Holy hell. Where's the car chases and 'splosions?

Fyodor Dostoevsky - Crime and Punishment. Dunno if this was an assigned book or if I thought it was one of those books I should read. I have this thing where I think I'm missing out on wonderful conversations discussing some piece of literature, classic film or some piece/type of music so I will seek out said thing and get all up in its business (so to speak). Such as: I think that I should like jazz so I'll go and ask people to recommend some music to listen to. I'll get the music and guess what? Yep, still don't like jazz. This book was one such example. I started it, staggered through for a bit and failed. Every time I came across a particularly difficult-to-pronounce name I would just go "Blubrrburby" or something similar. All too quickly every character in the book had new made-up gibberish names. This does not help move the narrative at all. So I left it alone and came back to it months later. I had to start over since I had forgotten where I had left off. I floundered again through some chapters and then put it down. I think it's in a box in my closet upstairs now.

Johanna Spyri - Heidi. I don't think I even read one page of this beast. I can remember looking at the back jacket of the book and thinking "Nope, not reading this one". I'm gonna lay this one at the feet of Mrs. Lyle again because I actually had her as a teacher twice. Once in the 8th grade and then again the 10th (or was it the 11th?).

I guess I'm not a "period piece" kinda guy. Although, I did manage to get through The Scarlet Letter, Moby Dick, A Tale of Two Cities and others that I'd kinda put in that same category. There have been some other more recent books that I start and then fail to finish (the Billy Connolly biography "Billy" by his wife Pamela Stephenson is a recent one. I just don't like her writing style. I'm still a big Billy Connolly fan though), but the ones listed here are the ones that stand out in my mind.

How 'bout youse? Any books that you just couldn't slog through?