Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Open Letter to My Neighbors

Hi, It's me. Mark. Yeah, I'm the guy who tried really hard to move away from you jerks last year and the economy kicked me in the balls and said "Nope, yer stayin'". Yep. Since it looks like we'll be living near each other for what seems like eternity, I'm gonna ask a couple of favors from y'all (Hee. I never get to say "y'all" in real life. BLOGGING IS AWESOME).

In no particular order here goes:

1) if you have to pick someone up from their house could you maybe not lay on your horn every 10 seconds? Maybe you could, oh, I dunno, go ring their fucking doorbell? Oooh. Or you could call them on your cell phone! I know you have one because every asshole on the planet has one. Maybe you could even decide ahead of time when you'll be picking them up so they'll be ready and waiting for you outside on their porch! That would be fantastic. Thank you.

2) if you have a motorcycle could you perhaps not have the pipes be SOOO fucking loud that it not only shakes my crappy windows in their frames but makes me wish that horrible, awful things would happen to you. I know what your gonna say: "Loud pipes save lives". Well, I'm telling you that we can hear you fine. No need to shake my house. I can't hear Battlestar Galactica when you go by and I'm right in front of the TV. Are you compensating for something? How is it that you can actually stand to ride on that thing anyway? It can't possibly be comfortable. Look at your handlebars. If something happened right in front of you right now you wouldn't be able to react in time would you? So dumb. Great idea in this part of the state too. Y'know with all the traffic and lights and crappy roads. Ah, the feel of the open road. Which one? mm-hmm. Remember, I'm a very timid woodland critter so I will not actually be confronting you on this. You're going to have to step up and take the initiative. I'm glad we understand each other.

3) if you have decided to breed and the little shits want to have a kiddie pool I ask, nay I BEG you to please for the ever-loving-sake-of-jeebus-christmas-himself limit the sheer amount of SHRIEKING that they will inevitably do? I get it (sort of) that kids need like care and attention or whatever but they're not mine so I don't wanna hear them. These little buggers can hit frequencies that frankly, I didn't know existed. They can make my fillings buzz. I don't want to hate your children. You're making me hate your children. Just...just shut them up ok?

4) car stereos. 'nuff said.

5) if you are enjoying a lovely boxed fruit-like beverage and you have come to the end of said beverage, don't fucking toss the empty box on my lawn. Or anywhere really that isn't an appropriate trash receptacle. "Appropriate" in this sense can be someone else's lawn by the way.

6) speaking of lawns, how about mowing it once in a while? I'm certainly not a landscaper nor a gardener fascist type of dude but goddamn. We all have tiny, shitty, little lawns. It takes 15-20 minutes tops. Just remember to pick up the juice boxes first. They shred something awful.

7) if you have multiple vehicles and they all can't quite fit into your driveway, you're an ass. Don't park your behemoth SUV right up against my driveway so that I can't see cars whipping around the corner which are about to crash into me and kill me. Back that shit up a few feet.

8) speaking of cars whipping around the corner: slow yer ass down. People live here. You might crash into us. However, if you end up crashing into one of the Harley douchebags, then bravo sir.

9) if you are a shithead teenager jerkface, please don't walk by my house in large groups. It makes me nervous.

10) did I mention loud motorcycles?

To sum up, we all live in this neighborhood and we all have to respect each other's space. That space really should include my ears. Sound pollution is a given in my neighborhood since we live on a busy street but we can limit the amount of other controllable noises. At least until the housing market improves and I sell this thing. Then I don't give a fuck what you people do.

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