A Night on the Town With Yours Truly

The Wiff and I went to see Louis CK last night and had a blast. Let's back up a bit here and be honest with each other ok? Ok. The show was really fun and I was really glad that I got to see Louis perform (he was on for close to 2 hours with the encore and then signed stuff in the lobby after the show) and the opener Ted Alexandro was also very funny (I didn't realize there was going to be an opening act and I'm glad that it was Ted) but I think that I shouldn't be allowed to go out anymore. Lemme 'splain.

The show was at The Orpheum and if you taller than say, 5 foot 9, you are going to be uncomfortable in your seat at this lovely venue (which Louis called "a dump" last night. He isn't wrong. The person running the spotlight seemed not to understand the concept and when Louis would move about the stage the spotlight sometimes just stayed put. In one awkward showdown Louis stepped over to his left slightly and the spotlight didn't budge. He stood there continuing his thought for a bit and then realizing that the person behind the spotlight had passed out or been kidnapped or something and wasn't going to follow him, he stepped back into the light. Nice job Orpheum. Also every now and then some confetti [I think it was confetti, it could have been paint chips for all I know] would drift down lazily from the light rig above Louis head. I don't know how he didn't point it out unless he just didn't notice them. But they fell periodically throughout the show. Not as egregious certainly but it did distract). I'm 6 foot 2-ish and um..fat. So, I was pretty uncomfortable in my seat from the get-go. I had a great seat as far as being able to see the stage but come on Orpheum, where the fuck am I supposed to put my legs? I ended up cramming myself into the seat (and honestly the issue was being too tall not too fat ... shut up, it was) and made myself as comfortable as possible. I put the sleeve of my jacket between my left knee and the seat directly in front of me to hopefully act as a buffer of some sort and settled in for an evening of ignoring the discomfort. But then she sat down.

I know what you're thinking (actually I don't. I have no idea if anyone reads this let alone what that random person could be thinking. Let's face it, even if I knew that you, whoever you are were reading this right now and I was staring intently at your face [you have a little somethin'-somethin' on your cheek there...no, other side] I still wouldn't have an idea of what, if anything you were thinking): "Oh no! A big woman sat down and crushed Mark's widdle knee! Oh what an outpouring of sympathy I have for him in my very soul!" Nope, it was a little, tiny chick. But this little woman devastated my knee repeatedly but leaning forward in her chair and then SLAMMING herself backwards at a high rate of speed EVERY time she laughed. Intellectually I know that she did not purposely set out to unload several tons of crushing force onto my poor patella (look it up bitches) but I grew to hate this girl.

She seemed oblivious to my every attempt at making her as uncomfortable as possible by jamming my hand between my knee and her chair (not recommended by the way. Did you know you have pain receptors in your hands too? FACT). I would occasionally bonk my right knee into her chair to sort of disrupt her evening. She became the focus of my hate and fury. I began to wish that horrible things would happen to her and her family and people that she worked with at the Quiznos or whatever. My hate spilled over onto her boyfriend sitting next to her who was NOT slamming himself into his chair. Why couldn't you sit where she is sitting you asshole? Can't you control this little trollop? She's making a guy you don't know and will never see again uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I'm missing the show and distracting the Wiff as well. I guess I could have asked her to cut the fucking shit with the over-enthusiastic whole-body guffaws before I was rendered crippled but it was then that I realized that she's just enjoying herself and isn't that what we're all here to do? I stuffed the other sleeve of my jacket between my knee and her chair and got over myself. A proud moment of maturity you could say.

So what did I learn? I learned that I am probably going to continue to really hate being in crowds but unless I want to become a complete recluse (a single recluse too I might add since I doubt the Wiff would put up with that for too long), I'm going to have to suck it up and stop being such a whiny bitch.

The Pogues and Frat Boys Don't Mix

Wow. Ok. Um...

So last night The Wiff and I ventured into Boston to see The Pogues play at the Orpheum. I used to have a job where I drove around Boston all day so I was pretty sure that I'd be able to find a place to park fairly easily. Yeah, wrong. I haven't been driving in Boston in probably 5 years but holy hell! Where'd all the parking spots go? All my super secret spots had vanished or transformed into not-so-secret restricted parking. Everywhere I looked there was another restriction: No Parking from 4-6 PM, No Parking Loading Zone, No Parking Fatty, etc. So I abandoned the downtown area and headed for Back Bay. After battling the jackasses rushing to get home (oh, and by the way pedestrians? Yeah, hi, I'm the guy in the car. I have to obey the rules of the road so could you maybe do the same? Stop frickin' walking across the street randomly), I found a spot on Beacon St. by the Common. Not too bad of a walk, just right across the way from Tremont.

Then we went to grab something to eat. I haven't really thought about going out to dinner in that part of Boston in quite a while so I had no idea what was around. We stopped in a couple of places but at 6-ish on a Thursday, most of them were packed. I don't do packed. We ended up at this restaurant/bar called Kennedy's which I can't really recommend. I think that if we had sat in the bar area (which we usually do at places like this) we would have had a good time but we sat in the restaurant area and had a waiter who clearly did not want to be there. I wouldn't want to be a waiter either but that's why I'm not one. This guy just had no interest in making our time there enjoyable. But whatever right? I'm going to see THE POGUES! Hooray!

Yeah, about that. The seat rows (up in the nosebleeds in the upper balcony where our seats were) we so close together that I literally could not get my legs in front of me. I was sitting in the aisle seat and my legs were splayed out on the stairs. I had to sort of sit sideways with my left leg pressing painfully up against the seat in front of me. It really sucked. But I figured whatever right? I'm going to see THE POGUES! Hooray!

The first band came on and they were your run of the mill bar band. Nothing special. I guess there were some members of the Dropkick Murphys in the band but since I can't stand that band, guess what I thought of these guys. They end their set and the house lights come up. I'm sitting there (uncomfortably) and checking out the crowd. Oldie. Oldie. Freak. Oldie. Nozzle. Oldie. Meh, I can deal with these people. Not a problem. Then THEY showed up. The Abercrombe crowd. Oh fuck no. They have discovered my music. This show is doomed.

Five chicks and a couple of moussed dudes come up the stairs, each one of them carrying a beer (which I can only assume is a Bud Lite or some other swill). Almost immediately they start in with the photo shoot. What is up with that? The chicks start posing and taking pictures (all with that goddamn kissy-face look too. Y'know?) and the dudes start "WOOOOOOOO!"-ing. A lot. There was a lot of that. What are you "woo"-ing at? The CD they're playing? Sit down Chad.

Then even more of them showed up. And now we're basically surrounded (with the exception of the couple sitting directly behind us who also had much contempt for the frat party). The combination of cheap beer, hair products and Axe Body Spray was nauseating. I guess when you don't have much of a personality it must hinder your bladder control because these maroons kept getting up to pee like every couple of minutes. Good, I thought, get it out of your system now so that when the show starts, you won't annoy me anymore. Wrong again. The annoying college kids (that may be redundant) kept getting up to pee, coming back with shitty beer and then getting up to pee again. Holy hell. I just want to watch the show and maybe try to salvage this evening.

The show starts with a recording of The Clash's "Straight To Hell" and The Pogues walk out on stage. Shane comes shambling out wearing a black suit and a big black top hat. Hee! There they are! Forget the douche nozzles sitting around me! This is gonna rule! And it did...for a while. They plowed through a few songs and the crowd was really having fun. Shane would introduce the song which basically sounded like this "GGrarrbblug fffreanablle Street" and then they'd launch into "Sunny Side of the Street". Then for whatever reason, Shane would just leave the stage and Spider would sing a song or two. Then Shane would lumber back and slog through a couple more tunes. He was literally leaving out entire verses of songs. He was kind of off the beat a couple of times too. Much to the band's credit, they were able to really minimize his destruction of their best-known songs. Y'know, maybe back in the 80's when he was in his 20's this was ok but now that he's into his 50's, it really has lost its charm.

We had heard through a guy at work who saw the show on Wednesday night that they play 5 encores. Well, we left after the main set. And I'm ok with that. The combination of the drunk college kids in the crowd and Shane messing up the songs made for a less than stellar experience. Look, I'm too old and cranky for this. We made our way downstairs and wow, the police presence was impressive. There were about 5 cops in the lobby and a couple more standing just outside the doors. I'm glad we left when we did. We avoided the crush of people leaving and I didn't have to punch anyone in the face repeatedly.

We walked back to our car across the Common and got our old butts back home. Now I have seen The Pogues and I guess I really don't need to see them again. That's a shame. I never did see them during their height (and I totally missed them when Joe Strummer was singing for them for a bit...dammit, that would have been great) and that time has passed.