The Saddest Mid-Life Crisis Ever

I first saw her on the internet on one of those sites. You know the ones. She wasn't my usual type but damn, she looked good and her information seemed promising. I arranged to meet up with her and that was the start of things. I was so excited. I had never done anything like this before. When we finally met it didn't take long for me to fall for her. Her online profile did her justice and the pics did not lie. We only went out once but after that it was obvious to me that I'd be with her for a while. I'm a commitment kind of guy after all. It was an exciting time.

The first month or so of the relationship was rocky at best, making me jumpy and irritable. But we worked on how to communicate better and soon there was a mutual give and take. I learned to recognize her signals and sometimes not-so-subtle suggestions. She saw how I operated and adjusted. It had become comfortable and nice, even familiar. Everything seemed to be going well but then I started to...question things. That nagging sensation I had been ignoring for the last several months was getting stronger. What is this feeling? Is it a wanderlust? What is it that I'm looking for? Am I afraid of settling down? Or is it just that goddamn clutch and the fact that the radio doesn't work?

And so, after 2-plus years of being together, the Jetta and I have broken up. It was a hard decision that I'd like to say was a mutual thing but honestly, I can't. I left her. She seemed bitter at the end and I can't say I blame her. I'm not sure she saw it coming at all. Although I did complain daily about driving a manual transmission to and from Cambridge that's hardly her fault. She was pretty up-front about the fact that she was a stick. That's all on me. Maybe I was experimenting or trying to prove to myself that yes, I can drive 5-speed car every day and not blow out the clutch or stall every 15 feet. She was supportive of me during that learning period (in her own Prussian way) and that's why I still have feelings for her. But it's over between us. I hope her new situation works out.

I'm already seeing another car. Actually, I made it official the other day. I am now with an asian. That's right. When most guys go through their mid-life crisis it involves destroying their marriage and/or going nuts and buying a new Porsche or something along those lines. Not me. I just hem and haw for months on end trying to rationalize replacing a perfectly decent car that will easily last several more years with one that gets worse gas mileage and is quite frankly, a larger car than I need. But see, this one is an automatic and therefore it doesn't make my left leg hurt in traffic. And it's New. And Shiny. And Everything Works. Hee! So without further ado, I present to you the result of the saddest mid-life crisis ever: The 2011 Hyundai Sante Fe.

Sorry Jetta, but you never stood a chance. No hard feelings ok?

Sure Would Like to Hear Some Music

The radio in my car suddenly stopped working last week and I have yet to figure out why that is. I did the usual checking of the fuses but they all seem to be in order. I disconnected the battery and then reconnected it (on the advice of a car guy on the internets) in the hopes that it would do something. I guess it is the car equivalent of turning your computer on and off to see if that helps. It didn't. Right now the radio sits in the middle of my dash like a dark rectangle of shame. I'm sorry I failed you radio. I do not know how to fix you because I lack the skills to diagnose the problem and repair you. I'm afraid that I will most likely just replace you. Please don't look at me like that. No, I don't know if it's just a loose wire or some other "simple" thing that made you up and die. I don't...look, I ...it's just that ... can I get a word in here? Thanks. I am sorry radio, but you have not been working since December 30th and I have to tell you; if I have to go through another week of commuting without music to distract me from the realization that I will have to do this for many, many more years...let's just say I'd rather not think about that right now.

There are other problems in my house that keep reminding me that I am not an electrician or a plumber. The house is fairly old (1920's) and the wiring is, for the most part, suspect at best. We have replaced a bunch of things (including everything in the kitchen and the actual electric panel in the basement) but there still is a large amount of sketchy plugs and shitty ceiling fixtures as well as switches that may or may not do anything. As of this writing there are exposed wires poking out of what used to be a switch for the overhead light in the spare bedroom (I have at least capped them so that no one can zap themselves accidentally. You'd really have to work at it to get electrocuted at this stage up there). We have substituted a floor lamp as a "temporary" solution. However, it has been there for months now. It's pathetic.

The plumbing issues stem from a lot of DIY work that previous owners have attempted in years long gone. There is a veritable spider web of pipes in the basement that I find daunting. Near as I can tell, most of it can be eliminated and replaced with a couple of relatively straight runs but again, I should point out that I have no actual experience with plumbing. Maybe all those crazy dips and bends and runs that go nowhere are essential to keeping everything working properly. Probably not but I don't feel like I'm qualified to say for sure. A couple years ago I bought a plumbing starter kit in anticipation of venturing down there and making everything shiny and new. But once I realized that open flame and heavy metals are involved I retreated back upstairs to my computer and have not made any attempt at "fixing" things down there.

Why so skittish? Well two main reasons: 1) Electrical work if done improperly can burn your goddamn house down. 2) Plumbing work if done improperly can flood your goddamn house. If I had someone with the skills who was willing to walk me through doing some of this work I'm fairly certain I could do a lot of it. But as of this moment, such a person does not exist. I know people who do know how to do some of this (actually, I have a cousin who is a fantastic electrician and has done work in the house before but he's super crazy busy and it's hard for him to find the time. Plus, he has a family and lives in New Hampshire so I don't like to impose), but it's not like they live next door to me. For any of them to help it'd basically be a giant pain in their ass. And so, I have not asked. Will I ask? Dunno. Maybe. But for now I'm just ignoring the problems in hope that they will resolve themselves. That'll work right?

And now for some conversation whiplash: I feel like doing an 5-Song Shuffle. You know the rules right? Of course you do. Get your iPod or whatever you use to listen to your tunes and put it on shuffle. Write down the first 5 songs that come up without skipping any. No cheating now. If something hideous comes up, that's on you. Please leave your list in the comments section. I know that there's those damn squiggly letters that you have to enter but that's to prevent crazy spam messages from appearing in the comments section. Ok, here goes:

The Gap Band –  Early in the Morning (oooh, a STRONG opening! I want a shiny silver suit with fringe too! flaming drumsticks! wheeeeee!)
The Walkmen – Another One Goes By (ow. MP3 whiplash)
The Clash – Tommy Gun
Jay Z - Never Change
Semi Precious Weapons – Magnetic Baby (such a fun, poppy, goofball band)

Hmm, not too shabby. Ok, bye!

Open Letter to Everyone Else on the Road

Hi it's me, Mark. Yea, I'm either the guy right behind you or the guy right in front of you. If you're the person in front of me, please get outta my way. If you're the person behind me, get offa my ass you clown. And thus I sum up my driving style. I used to drive really fast and aggressively, especially when I had that dumb job where I had to go to 4-5 different appointments everyday. Now-a-days I don't drive as fast or as aggressively but I'm still a jackass from Boston so, you know how much weight you can put behind that statement.

Most of the time when I'm on the road now I don't really have to be in a rush to get where I'm going. Usually I'm going either to work or back home so I don't have to be at either place at a specific time (for the most part). However, I do have to work a clutch, so I'm all about efficiency. I don't want to have slow down and I abhor stopping. Let's just keep this shit moving people.

Look, I understand that you have to get to wherever it is you people go but seriously? Just get you and your vehicle out of my way. Oh, and all you people who are retired? Yea, you are banned from the roads during my commute. You will only be allowed to drive your Buick LeSabres from 11am until 2:30pm. I'll give you until 3pm if you promise that you'll stay home on the weekends. I have noticed in my daily commute a few things that I think will help all of you to get out of my way faster:

1. When the light turns green, that means it's time for you to go. Preferably immediately. There's no reason to look in your rear view mirror at me to see what I'm doing. I can tell you if you want to know: I'm waiting for you to go. Simple as that. See, if you don't go, then I can't go and then in turn jackass behind me will also not be able to go (which may make him lean on his horn and irritate me). 
2. If you happen to think it would be a good idea to cut in front of me (the Jetta gets zero respect) I ask only that you do so quickly. I don't condone your action (and I'm probably calling you an asshole and/or making gestures), but if you do it swiftly and do not impede my own forward progress; then I'll get over it quicker than if you were to poke along and make me downshift.
3. And while if you are behind me you are technically not in my way, you can distract me and get on my nerves. I don't drive fast anymore (it's the cheap Mic in me...I'm no hyper-miler but I am trying to squeeze as much out of a tank as I can get) so if you come flying up behind me and start tailgating me, that's going to cause me to go slower. I won't slam on the brakes (anymore) but I might make it my goal in life to make your commute that much shittier. I will at the very least downshift and then floor the accelerator thus dumping a big cloud of diesel smoke in your face.
   
4. If you are a pedestrian and you want to cross the street, please understand that I don't want to stop for you. This is mainly for those people in and around M.I.T. They don't even bother to look most of the time. They just saunter across not even thinking that someone in a car might not be paying attention at that very moment and will take their sorry asses out. I'm not that guy but I do have a green light here so stay on the sidewalk for a couple of seconds while I zip on by.

We also need to talk about parking garages and how to get out of my way in there as well. If you enter a garage and you happen to notice that I'm behind you (just look for the giant head filling up your rear view mirror), the best thing for you to do is to park as quickly as possible. This does not mean to grab the first spot you see if said spot will require you to enter in at an awkward angle thus impeding my getting around you. I know that most of you love getting the spots as close to the exit of the garage as possible (to the point of trying to cram their cars into spaces that should be ignored as being too difficult to maneuver in and out of. Just this morning I was treated to some lady in front of me who just HAD to get her giant SUV into this spot that was clearly too small. She turned in at a stupid angle, realized too late that she couldn't make it and then backed up without looking and nearly rammed into me. Look lady, it is now obvious to me that you cannot drive and that you are not even aware of the dimensions of your own vehicle. You simply do not have the skill set necessary to drive that behemoth.You are now banned from being on the road at the same time as me. No arguments. Move it along. There are plenty of spaces on the next level) but if you could just park you goddamn car a few spaces further along I guarantee that you'll be out of my way quicker. And isn't that what everyone really strives to accomplish? Yes, of course it is.

I tend to give people names while I'm driving. Apart from the obvious ones (Fucking asshole, Asshole, Motherfucking asshole, Motherfucker, etc.), I tend to call people "Billy" a lot, as in: "C'mon Billy, let's go". I also use "Joey" or "Jimmy", such as: "Jimmy, it's the pedal on the right.." The name assigned to the person doesn't take into consideration if the driver is female or male. I am not that interested in the gender of the person. I just want them to move. The name will usually be assigned if said driver has done something that I have determined to be detrimental to my getting to where I want to go.

Offenses include but are not limited to:

• Looking for something on the floor of your car when I'm behind you at a stop light. Look for it later and pay attention to the goddamn traffic light. When it turns green, I'm going to require you to move yer ass.
• "Look talking". I define this as someone who has to look over at their passenger when they are talking to them. I'm behind this person and I cannot help but notice that their head is swiveling back and forth from looking at the road and then their passenger. This will annoy me to no end. Cut it out. It's perfectly acceptable in this situation to keep your goddamn eyes on the road in front of you and still be able to carry on a conversation with the person seated RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. Eye contact at 50mph is not necessary. I'm sure Ms. Manners would agree.
• Dealing with whatever your children are doing in the backseat. If the little shits cannot behave while you are driving, then leave them at home. Ok, so that may not be practical but perhaps you could at the very least, pull over and let me pass you. And if you could allow one or more cars to pass you so that I have a little bit of a buffer between you and whatever vehicle you will eventually plow into that would be fantastic.
• Really loud music rattling my fillings. Mira, I get it. You REALLY like this song, more than you probably should I'm guessing. But I'm trying to listen to my own stuff in here you see and I don't like how your jam is making my rear view mirror vibrate. Turn it down Joey.
• Merging. There are a few places in my commute where two or more lanes have to merge together into one lane. I'm guessing that most of the people that are on these roads at the same time I am have gone this way before and therefore know that this merge is coming. So what do they do? Yep. They all jam themselves up at the entrance trying to get that one car length ahead of the next retard. "No way you're getting ahead ME, pal!!" Listen Billy, just think of this as a big zipper ok? We all need to get into this fucking tunnel at some point so if you imagine that your car and all the other cars around you are teeth on a giant zipper then we can get where we want to go a little quicker. If you continue to be a dick and try to force the other guy (who's also a dick by the way) to get behind you then the zipper thing goes out the window and we end up with a clusterfuck. No one likes a clusterfuck Billy, so fucking chill out on the testosterone and let the mini van go. Jeez.
• Line cutters. No one likes a line cutter. You can trace this all the way back to elementary school. "Hey, no cutsies!!" I will admit that I have on occasion been one of those guys who bomb up the opposite lane of traffic and then cut in at the last minute to take the off-ramp or exit or whatever that everyone else is queuing up for but see, it's ok when I do it. It's NOT ok when others do it. Plus, it's bad driving karma anyway and you'll end up pissing off some lunatic one day who will take out all his frustrations on you. No one wants that, so to the back of the line there Jimmy.
  

To sum up: the take-home message is that getting out of my way is critical. I know that you all will be trying your best to move your sorry asses and make my commute much more pleasant. I only live 15 miles or so away from where I work and it can on occasion take an hour. This is unacceptable. I'm going to need all of you to work together to make my driving experience more palatable. If this means that more of you will have to take public transportation and/or ride a bike then that's a sacrifice that I'm willing to let you make. Just make sure that if you're on a bike that you don't do that thing where you wear spandex racing gear. You're not Lance Armstrong ok Billy? Move it along people.