Eyes Forward Dummy

I just bit the ever-loving-shit out of my tongue. I'm sitting at my desk going through emails, plotting out my day whilst enjoying some lovely sliced fruit, when my tongue just decides that it wants to see what it'd be like to lay on top of my molars for a just a split second too long. You'd think that after hanging out in my mouth for lo' these past 40+ years it'd understand that this is a terrible idea. I bit down on it and it made a horrifying "CRUNCH" sound in my head. I'm pretty sure that other people could have heard it, that's how loud it was. Oh fuck that hurt. I think I'm bleeding. Luckily I have a little mirror here at my desk (so I can check out my eyeliner and rouge) so's I can inspect the damage. Hold please while I do so. Yep. Blood. Nice work stupid. I can't even chew properly. Fuck me. I didn't even bit the tip (ooh, that sounded wrong). I munched down on the fucking side of it. The thick part (again, poor choice of words there). Ugh. It looks a little shredded. Grosstown, Stupidville. Popluation: Me.

I'm pretty fortunate in that where I work is flexible enough to allow me to have non-traditional hours (I'm usually at my desk by like 7:20-ish and I skate by 4pm). This permits me to avoid the bulk of the traffic on my dumb commute. That's not to say I just sail into work as the only person on the road, it just makes it less shitty is all. I appreciate this y'see. Otherwise I'd have to go back to using the commuter rail as my main form of transport and well, fuck that. I like the idea of public transportation as long as it is all you mahfuckahs taking the train leaving me to drive on unclogged roads. In practice, the MBTA is wholly unreliable and, frankly, not significantly cheaper or convenient. This coming from a guy who used to work for an energy conservation company (3 different times!) and –  lest we forget – Green-fucking-peace.

On the days when I can't leave on time due to a meeting or whatever, I can end up spending quite a bit of time sitting in traffic behind people judging their behavior, usually unfavorably. The Look-Talkers (those drivers who have to look at the person in the passenger seat while they are talking while in command of a 4,000lb vehicle), The Lane-Drifters, The Slow, The Tailgaters, etc. I'm sure you're familiar with these morons. Recently I was stuck traffic in Revere near the Wonderland T stop and in the left hand lane was this car full of laughing teenage girls. They were shriek-laughing and dancing to some pop song and generally being young. I glanced over at them because the one who was driving was far more concerned about how much self tanner she had on than where her car was headed. She was clearly having difficulty with the concept of painted lanes and I was genuinely concerned that she was going to play bumper pool with my car. Once I had determined that she had regained control of her shitbox, I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw the Disapproving Eyes of the woman in the car behind me. She thought I was checking out these girls in a super-creepy-leering-old-fart way and was slowly shaking her head. She was JUDGING ME and finding me GUILTY AS CHARGED. Fuck you lady.

Traffic continued to crawl along and I kept my head pointed straight ahead. I didn't like the idea that I had been labeled as a pervert by this lady behind me (yes, I know I'm projecting here....relax) and I wanted to prove my innocence by COMPLETELY ignoring the car full of banshees mere feet from me in the next lane. After a couple of minutes of this I started to get annoyed with this scenario. Who was that lady to think poorly of me? She doesn't know me. Who made her judge and jury? That's totally my job!! Then I noticed up ahead on the sidewalk was the living embodiment of a creepy guy's fantasy girl. Asian? Check. Schoolgirl outfit? Check. Pigtails? Check and mate. All she was missing was the Sailor Moon outfit or perhaps a massive lollypop. She was Knives Chau in a nutshell. I saw that she was walking towards where we all were sitting in traffic and I decided that since this lady had already judged me as a creepy creep, then I was gonna go ahead and just stare right at this girl as she walked by. And I did. And just as I was about to continue my stare like a full-on skeevy meathead, the girl glanced over at me and A) caught me! B) I realized that omg she's like 15 or 16! and C) I felt EXACTLY as I should: A super creepy old dude. Bleah.

So uh, sorry random asian schoolgirl. I'm gross. And screw you lady in the car behind me. You're a tailgater anyway.